#16. Pointless Use of Acronyms and Shortned Words (PUOAASW)

If you're anything like me, you probably talk and interact on the Internet a lot. The majority of people that will read this (I'll estimate three people), probably socialize using their cellphones. No matter what medium of communication you use, I'm sure you have either participated in, or been the victim of "Pointless Use of Acronyms and Shortened Words", or PUOAASW for short.

Sure, I have no problem with the use of something like "lol" or "brb", to quickly let a person know something when you are in a rush instead of saying "wow that was absolutely hilarious, won't you tell another joke so I can roll on the floor again?" or "my assistance is needed in the kitchen and the table requires my skilled hand at setting it", you can use a simple three letter acronym. The problem however, comes when people start to abbreviate random phrases or shorten words that no one knows what they actually mean. But when we start making ones like "IDGI" (I don't get it), or "DIAF" (Die in a fire...?), then I think we just become lazy, and a bit morbid. Then of course we have the shortened versions of words. Now I admit, I am guilty of this one. I tend to shorten "you" to "u" and other similar ones, but I'm amazed by the laziness of some people. For example, how does "p10x" become "please" in real English? Or "iggy" mean "ignore"?

My favorite though, is when people completely miss-spell a word on purpose. I've even seen it where someone spells the word with the same amount of letters, but replaces one letter with something else, such as "time" becomes "tyme"...as if spelling it "tyme" is any shorter? But my personal favorite one is spelling "cool" "kwl". Thank goodness we're saving ourselves one letter.

#15. Stereotypical Album Covers

I work at a library. Every day I process, handle, and label CD cases of every genre and I've determined that album covers are one of the coolest art forms. Not only does the cover convey a message in itself, but there are so many things you can do with it. You can tie it in with the title of the album, or you can tie it in with the messages of the songs, or you can just make a seemingly random album cover that just looks awesome. This post however, is for those covers that seem to define a genre. The ones that you can just look at and you already know what genre it belongs to (Sorry, I won't be including folk and world music in this list...). Pop music however will not be included in this since popular music covers a range of genres, so it's hard to pinpoint just one type.

Rap/Hip-Hop/R&B-These albums usually always consist of a picture of the rapper on the cover with some hip looking graphics. If its a guy "singer" it typically consists of him wearing an outfit thats all the same color, a Yankees hat may or may not be included, and of course he is doing something to show how rich and famous he is, whether it be he's wearing excessive amounts of jewelry or is shown leaning on his Cadillac/E-Class with lots of women surrounding him. If the singer is a woman, then instead of matching attire, we have nearing no clothing at all. There's no need for them to have anything else on the cover since usually their skinny bodies are enough of an attraction...

Country-This is very similar to the rap singers, only instead of this being the norm, it is the ONLY acceptable country album cover. Seriously, look up any country musician, I can bet you will not find one where it's not a picture of the lead singer in a cowboy hat and holding an acoustic guitar.

Rock-This genre can be tricky to form one stereotypical cover. However, after much research and thought into the topic, I've concluded that most rock covers (not including classic rock right now) tend to keep things simple. They tend to have their name or logo with some graphic art around it. Maybe a silhouette of the band or a simple object in the middle to give some character. They're more original than country or rap artists, but are still rather boring.

Classic Rock-Since "classic rock" has a large range over both artists and years, I feel its hard to give this group one type of album art since this was before the days of modern computers and graphic designing, thus making many bands stick to simple logos, group photos, or handmade artwork.

Electronic/Techno-Usually a graphic design of something that looks like outer space, or something that belongs in Windows Media Player.

Hardcore/Screamo-Now we're starting to get into something a little more interesting. These albums can be broken into two types. The first type are the cheesy, hard drawn looking type (Think Iron Maiden and The Devil Wears Prada albums) that look like they were drawn by some demonic eight year old. The second type usually has some cool looking picture that has been Photoshopped into something that relates with the album or the band, such as the example to the right.

Alternative-These guys are the absolute king of album covers. Much like country musicians must have a self portrait, alternative bands must have some sort of awesome photo that envokes thought, wonder, and maybe even some self/political awareness in our minds. The covers can be anything from a landscape, to an object, to a graphic design that you can't decide if it looks more like the universe or your daughter's kaleidescope. The key? Photoshop. Of all the rules in alternative music, I think this is the one that's view with the highest regard, you must have at least one person in the band, or know one person outside of the band that is able to use Photoshop and is a graphic design major. Want some examples besides the one here? Think Snow Patrol, Anberlin, Chevelle, Audioslave, etc...

Alright, well that's the end of the genres, but I still have a few more stereotypes for you.

Girl Bands/Boy Bands-You must have known this was coming, right? These guys always have pictures of themselves on it (They are popular after all!), but not only is their ego mania enough,they have to include some kind of green-screen type graphic in the background where the entire band is like, standing on the bottom of the ocean, or is on Jupiter with its orange atmosphere glowing behind them.

Debut Albums-Why do all debut albums suck? It doesn't matter what genre they are, they always look like I used a Kodak disposable camera to shoot the cover. Not only that, but the cover itself is just bizarre, they aim for an artistic or humorous tone, but fall very short of it. Don't believe me? Look at any of NOFX's albums...you'll see what I mean. (And yes, I know that not EVERY band has a crappy debut albums, I have seen many debut albums that I find to be amazing.)

#14. People That Think They Can Play Guitar Because They're Good At Guitar Hero

I have to be honest with you, I have absolutely no musical talent. Yes, that's right, I said it. I bet you're wondering how a person that can't tell the difference between a chord and a string and still thinks an octave has something to do with gasoline, can possibly review and criticize various artist and albums. Okay, maybe you aren't thinking that, but regardless of what you think, I needed to get that secret off my chest. However, my lack of musical abilities reaches far beyond the talent of singing and producing melodies, it also extends to the outer fringe of musical ability in the world of musical video games. I have to be honest with you again, I am one of the worst Guitar Hero players ever. Although I have only played a hand full of times, the computer has still refused to tell me that "You Rock!". In fact, the only song I can do well on is The Killers track When You Were Young. Throughout my few, yet depressing relationships with Guitar Hero I have come across many Guitar Hero wizards, who although they know exactly where all the six colorful buttons are on the plastic Xbox guitar, they would be completely lost on a fiberglass and metal one. The musical sheets would further confuse them, since they only know how to read musical lines consisting of rainbow colored circles moving across a computer screen. I like to call this person exactly what they are, a Guitar Phony. Below, I have provided an easy guide to help you spot a Guitar Phony.

Me-"So have you heard the new Metalica CD?"
Josh-"You bet! I mastered two of those songs on the guitar the other day!"
Me-"Oh really? That's pretty sweet. I didn't know you played guitar."
Josh-"Oh you bet I do, no one can beat me at it."
Me-"Wait, did you just say beat you at it? What do you mean?"
Josh-"Dude, my high score on Guitar Hero Metalica is like 10895082, who could beat that?!"
Me-"Oh..."

I've come across this conversation countless times which makes me further refuse to purchase this game or any like it. Below I have provided a more specific guide to help you spot a Guitar Phony, add up the points, if the number exceeds 10, the person is no Guitar Hero, he's a Guitar Zero!

Plays air guitar in public places +3

Wears band T-Shirts +1

Wears graphic T-Shirts when he isn't wearing a band T-Shirt +1

Played/plays the keyboard in band class +2

Lives in mother's basement +4

Wears tight jeans +1

Owns Guitar Hero +7

Owns Rock Band +6

Owns Rock Band and Guitar Hero +9

#13. People Who Think They're Cool Because of the Music They Listen To

I think this is probably one that we can all relate to, or at least one we have all seen at least once in our life. We come across a friend of ours that thinks he's better than you because of the music he listens to. I think we have all had one of those friends that brags about how much he likes My Chemical Romance since he wears black trench coats and paints skulls on his black finger nails. Or maybe the person that brags about how much they like hardcore music because they listen to Nine Inch Nails. Whatever it is, I'm sure that even though they're you're friends, you secretly loath them because of their foolish looks and taste in music, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, I have compiled a list of what I think are the top "poser" groups of people and their music, feel free to add to the list if I happened to miss one.

The Gangsta-This is the one that I think is most popular simply because rap music use to be cool, so every loser in high school decided to buy baggy t-shirts and wear large billed baseball caps and tell everyone how much they love the new Lil Wayne or Lil Jon or Lil (Insert common name) CD. But then of course we have the ones that feel they're above everyone else, because they like the "classic" rap from people like Public Enemy, or LL Cool J.

The Goth-This person typically wears all black, and talks in monotone while he brags about buying the awesome new Cradle of Filth or My Chemical Romance CD.

The Head Banger-This one only listens to one type of music, hard rock and metal. People in this group typically think they are better than everyone because they like music that is different since it has lots of screaming and growling in it, unlike regular music which just has..."singing". Popular bands in this group include, but are not limited to, All That Remains, Underoath, Haste the Day, Nine Inch Nails, etc.

The Classic Head Banger-Although close to the previous group, people in this one tend to think of themselves as being better because they only listen to the "classic" hard rock and metal music, since that was the stuff that made the genre what it is, and all the new stuff doesn't even come close to the classics. Bands here are ones like Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Metallica, Black Sabbath, etc.

The Modern Hippie-People in this group are typically the children of ex-hippies, and want to carry on the gene. They usually spend their time around a campfire with an acoustic guitar while trying to sing songs by Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, or The Doors as they experiment with various narcotics. This group usually feels they're better because they, "respect the classics man".

The Indie Blogger-This group spends most of their time in Starbucks, on their Apple computers blogging about the effects of colonization in Africa while they listen to Death Cab For Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Modest Mouse, and Radiohead. People in this group think they're better than you and me because they support bands that aren't mainstream, which means they don't support the big, bad capitalistic record companies that force their clients to conform to popular music standards.

The Popular One-This person is the total opposite of the Indie Blogger, for they refuse to listen to anything that isn't played on Ryan Seacrest's "America's Top 40". This group has no predefined bands, since they're always changing. One day they're listening to OneRepublic, and the next day it's Beyonce.

The Classic Rocker-This one should be pretty easy to figure out, this group only listens to well, "the classics", since all modern music simply sucks. Back in their day, they listened to bands like Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, and Queen, and they still refuse to listen to anything else. Another, even more annoying variant of this group, are the teenagers and college students that always brag about their Led Zeppelin CD collection, even though they were born twenty years after the band formed.

The Christian-A person in this group only listens to music that is sung by a "Christian band". With each band they hear on the radio, they look up them up on Jesusfreakhideout.com (Yes that is a real website...if you didn't know already), and if the band isn't in their database, then they simply refuse to listen to them ever again due to their secular messages. Bands that ARE on the list however would include ones like Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, and for the daring ones, we might even go as far as to say Anberlin is one. Ones that are NOT on the list however are ones like Lifehouse, Natashia Bedingfield, and The Fray.

The Lover-This group usually consist of girls, since they refuse to listen to music that isn't sung by a hot guy between the ages of 16 and 23, or isn't a sappy love song written by a blonde haired college girl. Bands in this group include ones like Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, or Enrique Iglesias.

The All Around Listener-Lastly, people in this group weren't daring, or creative enough to stick to one genre, so they figured they would fit in with everyone and simply like every kind of music. People here think they're better than everyone because they're more "open" to every kind of music out there and have such great taste.

Well that's it, I don't know if I made any connections with any of you, but that's what I was aiming for. And if I didn't, well then by all means, send me a threatening email telling me how wrong I was, or maybe how much I might have insulted you.

#12. People and Music

If you've read any of my other blogs, you've probably noticed I have a big love for music; so for the next few post, I want to share some of the things that annoy me most about people and music. This one is going to be dedicated to the one that annoys me the most. I am of course talking about people that tell me they love a band's music, when in fact, they only know one of their songs. As always, let me run you through a brief demo conversation.

Alex-"Hey Mike, what are you listening to?"

Me-"Oh just some Lifehouse."

Alex-"Oh man! I love Lifehouse!"

Me-"Really? What's your favorite song?"

Alex-"Probably First Time, I love that song."

Me-"Yeah, that's a pretty good one, what other ones do you like?"

Alex-"Huh? They have other songs? I only know that one since they play it on the radio all the time."

I can't even count how many times this has happened to me. Just because the only song you know by a band is their single, doesn't mean you love them. Of course the single is usually considered to be the best, hence why it's the one they're playing on the radio. In my opinion, I think you should know at least three songs by a band before you can say that you like them; and they can't all be singles, at least one has to be one of their more obscure songs. So if you ever somehow meet me, or already know me, never again tell me you like The All American Rejects, just because you know the songs Move along and Gives You Hell.

#11. Internet Scams

So maybe this only happens to me since I have a stupid computer, but the other day, I'm on AIM when I sudden get a message from my friend that says "Hey dude, what's up?! Check out this sweet picture cube I made of you." Now the first time I saw this, I was a bit confused, but didn't click the link since I had a feeling it would probably be a virus. Over the next couple of days, I kept seeing the same message over and over again. By this point it became pretty obvious to me that this was yet another Internet scamming method, and like everything else in my life, this made me begin to think about this trivial form of advertising. Now obviously, the point of adds like these, are so people don't think, and only act, but if you do actually stop and think, the ad seems very silly. For instance, the person I got this message from was someone I was barely even friends with, which made me wonder exactly why someone like him would have enough pictures of me to make a "picture cube", and secondly, why would this person care to take the time and make one? Now just in case you forget to think before you click an ad, or are just entirely incapable of thinking, here's a quick, handy guide to spotting a Internet scam.

1. A flashing, seizure inducing ad that looks more like a strobe light than a web-banner. Seriously, unless you're product is meant for epileptics, I really don't see a point in a flashing banner.

2. A shaking alert message. (When was the last time your computer showed you an alert message that shook and had a smiley face printed on it?)

3. A banner saying your the millionth visitor. (If you seriously believe you were the millionth person to visit Facebook or MySpace, then maybe you do deserve to get a virus.)

4. Trust me, you didn't win that brand new laptop or Audi, just move along to the next page.

5. And no, you will not meet hot, single college girls in Omaha, Nebraska, I don't care how good you look.

#10. Grocery Packing

Well I've finally have made it to the tenth post, which means I'm also 10% done with my goal. So in honor of this milestone, I decided to choose a topic that I think everyone can connect with; the bagger at your grocery store.

When I was about seven, I use to go to Stop and Shop, which is a large grocery store chain out where I am, to help out my mom. And like all kids, I grew bored very easily, especially when we were at the cash register. So what did I do? I watched the grocery boy pack my food. Then one day, I saw something that fascinated me; instructions for how to properly pack a paper bag with food. Now even though I was a mere child, I still thought the concept of properly packing a grocery bag seemed pretty simple. I knew that you put heavier things on the bottom, keep the frozen food together, and put the eggs in a separate bag. So how is it that even a seven year old child that's still reading books like the Bernstein Bears and watching Barney, is more capable of packing groceries than a college drop out? Even to this day, I have not been able to figure out the answer to this question, so being the philosopher I am, I decided to spent some time thinking about what goes through a grocery packers mind as dozens of food items are being shot at him across conveyor belts. Here's what I've come up with:

Me-Oh dear, look at all this food coming at me! What do I do?! Okay well the bread is coming first, I have to impress my boss by doing this as fast as I can, so bread, you're goin' on the bottom on THIS paper bag my friend. Oh and here comes mister soda, I've already got a nice spot reserved for you on top of the bread. Okay, good, now that I safely have three bottles of soda on top of the bread, I can start a new bag. Mr. Oreo, today is your lucky day, you're the first resident in this new paper bag! Oh look, here comes Mrs. Milk! They say milk and Oreos go great together, so I'll just let you guys get nice and close to get to know each other better. And now we'll put Mr. steaming chicken on top of the ice cream, and we are done! Just another day's work Mikey. Now I can go home and play some Ruinscape after a nice bowl of Kraft mac and cheese!


Seriously, that's the only rational explanation I have... Anyway, here are just a couple of great combinations of food I have discovered in my grocery bags upon returning home:

• Icecream on top of bread (Maybe they thought I was going to make an ice cream sandwich?)
  
• Eggs on the bottom of all my meat and frozen food (Who needs hardboiled eggs when you can have hard froozen ones?)
  
• Soda in the same bag as chips (Yeah, they go great together at parties, just not in bags)
  
• Canned food+body wash+raw meat+Twizzlers+same bag=weirdness
• 4 bottles of soda+2 bottles of juice+same bag=big hole in the bottom when I try to lift it