#13. People Who Think They're Cool Because of the Music They Listen To

I think this is probably one that we can all relate to, or at least one we have all seen at least once in our life. We come across a friend of ours that thinks he's better than you because of the music he listens to. I think we have all had one of those friends that brags about how much he likes My Chemical Romance since he wears black trench coats and paints skulls on his black finger nails. Or maybe the person that brags about how much they like hardcore music because they listen to Nine Inch Nails. Whatever it is, I'm sure that even though they're you're friends, you secretly loath them because of their foolish looks and taste in music, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, I have compiled a list of what I think are the top "poser" groups of people and their music, feel free to add to the list if I happened to miss one.

The Gangsta-This is the one that I think is most popular simply because rap music use to be cool, so every loser in high school decided to buy baggy t-shirts and wear large billed baseball caps and tell everyone how much they love the new Lil Wayne or Lil Jon or Lil (Insert common name) CD. But then of course we have the ones that feel they're above everyone else, because they like the "classic" rap from people like Public Enemy, or LL Cool J.

The Goth-This person typically wears all black, and talks in monotone while he brags about buying the awesome new Cradle of Filth or My Chemical Romance CD.

The Head Banger-This one only listens to one type of music, hard rock and metal. People in this group typically think they are better than everyone because they like music that is different since it has lots of screaming and growling in it, unlike regular music which just has..."singing". Popular bands in this group include, but are not limited to, All That Remains, Underoath, Haste the Day, Nine Inch Nails, etc.

The Classic Head Banger-Although close to the previous group, people in this one tend to think of themselves as being better because they only listen to the "classic" hard rock and metal music, since that was the stuff that made the genre what it is, and all the new stuff doesn't even come close to the classics. Bands here are ones like Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Metallica, Black Sabbath, etc.

The Modern Hippie-People in this group are typically the children of ex-hippies, and want to carry on the gene. They usually spend their time around a campfire with an acoustic guitar while trying to sing songs by Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, or The Doors as they experiment with various narcotics. This group usually feels they're better because they, "respect the classics man".

The Indie Blogger-This group spends most of their time in Starbucks, on their Apple computers blogging about the effects of colonization in Africa while they listen to Death Cab For Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Modest Mouse, and Radiohead. People in this group think they're better than you and me because they support bands that aren't mainstream, which means they don't support the big, bad capitalistic record companies that force their clients to conform to popular music standards.

The Popular One-This person is the total opposite of the Indie Blogger, for they refuse to listen to anything that isn't played on Ryan Seacrest's "America's Top 40". This group has no predefined bands, since they're always changing. One day they're listening to OneRepublic, and the next day it's Beyonce.

The Classic Rocker-This one should be pretty easy to figure out, this group only listens to well, "the classics", since all modern music simply sucks. Back in their day, they listened to bands like Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, and Queen, and they still refuse to listen to anything else. Another, even more annoying variant of this group, are the teenagers and college students that always brag about their Led Zeppelin CD collection, even though they were born twenty years after the band formed.

The Christian-A person in this group only listens to music that is sung by a "Christian band". With each band they hear on the radio, they look up them up on Jesusfreakhideout.com (Yes that is a real website...if you didn't know already), and if the band isn't in their database, then they simply refuse to listen to them ever again due to their secular messages. Bands that ARE on the list however would include ones like Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, and for the daring ones, we might even go as far as to say Anberlin is one. Ones that are NOT on the list however are ones like Lifehouse, Natashia Bedingfield, and The Fray.

The Lover-This group usually consist of girls, since they refuse to listen to music that isn't sung by a hot guy between the ages of 16 and 23, or isn't a sappy love song written by a blonde haired college girl. Bands in this group include ones like Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, or Enrique Iglesias.

The All Around Listener-Lastly, people in this group weren't daring, or creative enough to stick to one genre, so they figured they would fit in with everyone and simply like every kind of music. People here think they're better than everyone because they're more "open" to every kind of music out there and have such great taste.

Well that's it, I don't know if I made any connections with any of you, but that's what I was aiming for. And if I didn't, well then by all means, send me a threatening email telling me how wrong I was, or maybe how much I might have insulted you.

#12. People and Music

If you've read any of my other blogs, you've probably noticed I have a big love for music; so for the next few post, I want to share some of the things that annoy me most about people and music. This one is going to be dedicated to the one that annoys me the most. I am of course talking about people that tell me they love a band's music, when in fact, they only know one of their songs. As always, let me run you through a brief demo conversation.

Alex-"Hey Mike, what are you listening to?"

Me-"Oh just some Lifehouse."

Alex-"Oh man! I love Lifehouse!"

Me-"Really? What's your favorite song?"

Alex-"Probably First Time, I love that song."

Me-"Yeah, that's a pretty good one, what other ones do you like?"

Alex-"Huh? They have other songs? I only know that one since they play it on the radio all the time."

I can't even count how many times this has happened to me. Just because the only song you know by a band is their single, doesn't mean you love them. Of course the single is usually considered to be the best, hence why it's the one they're playing on the radio. In my opinion, I think you should know at least three songs by a band before you can say that you like them; and they can't all be singles, at least one has to be one of their more obscure songs. So if you ever somehow meet me, or already know me, never again tell me you like The All American Rejects, just because you know the songs Move along and Gives You Hell.

#11. Internet Scams

So maybe this only happens to me since I have a stupid computer, but the other day, I'm on AIM when I sudden get a message from my friend that says "Hey dude, what's up?! Check out this sweet picture cube I made of you." Now the first time I saw this, I was a bit confused, but didn't click the link since I had a feeling it would probably be a virus. Over the next couple of days, I kept seeing the same message over and over again. By this point it became pretty obvious to me that this was yet another Internet scamming method, and like everything else in my life, this made me begin to think about this trivial form of advertising. Now obviously, the point of adds like these, are so people don't think, and only act, but if you do actually stop and think, the ad seems very silly. For instance, the person I got this message from was someone I was barely even friends with, which made me wonder exactly why someone like him would have enough pictures of me to make a "picture cube", and secondly, why would this person care to take the time and make one? Now just in case you forget to think before you click an ad, or are just entirely incapable of thinking, here's a quick, handy guide to spotting a Internet scam.

1. A flashing, seizure inducing ad that looks more like a strobe light than a web-banner. Seriously, unless you're product is meant for epileptics, I really don't see a point in a flashing banner.

2. A shaking alert message. (When was the last time your computer showed you an alert message that shook and had a smiley face printed on it?)

3. A banner saying your the millionth visitor. (If you seriously believe you were the millionth person to visit Facebook or MySpace, then maybe you do deserve to get a virus.)

4. Trust me, you didn't win that brand new laptop or Audi, just move along to the next page.

5. And no, you will not meet hot, single college girls in Omaha, Nebraska, I don't care how good you look.

#10. Grocery Packing

Well I've finally have made it to the tenth post, which means I'm also 10% done with my goal. So in honor of this milestone, I decided to choose a topic that I think everyone can connect with; the bagger at your grocery store.

When I was about seven, I use to go to Stop and Shop, which is a large grocery store chain out where I am, to help out my mom. And like all kids, I grew bored very easily, especially when we were at the cash register. So what did I do? I watched the grocery boy pack my food. Then one day, I saw something that fascinated me; instructions for how to properly pack a paper bag with food. Now even though I was a mere child, I still thought the concept of properly packing a grocery bag seemed pretty simple. I knew that you put heavier things on the bottom, keep the frozen food together, and put the eggs in a separate bag. So how is it that even a seven year old child that's still reading books like the Bernstein Bears and watching Barney, is more capable of packing groceries than a college drop out? Even to this day, I have not been able to figure out the answer to this question, so being the philosopher I am, I decided to spent some time thinking about what goes through a grocery packers mind as dozens of food items are being shot at him across conveyor belts. Here's what I've come up with:

Me-Oh dear, look at all this food coming at me! What do I do?! Okay well the bread is coming first, I have to impress my boss by doing this as fast as I can, so bread, you're goin' on the bottom on THIS paper bag my friend. Oh and here comes mister soda, I've already got a nice spot reserved for you on top of the bread. Okay, good, now that I safely have three bottles of soda on top of the bread, I can start a new bag. Mr. Oreo, today is your lucky day, you're the first resident in this new paper bag! Oh look, here comes Mrs. Milk! They say milk and Oreos go great together, so I'll just let you guys get nice and close to get to know each other better. And now we'll put Mr. steaming chicken on top of the ice cream, and we are done! Just another day's work Mikey. Now I can go home and play some Ruinscape after a nice bowl of Kraft mac and cheese!


Seriously, that's the only rational explanation I have... Anyway, here are just a couple of great combinations of food I have discovered in my grocery bags upon returning home:

• Icecream on top of bread (Maybe they thought I was going to make an ice cream sandwich?)
  
• Eggs on the bottom of all my meat and frozen food (Who needs hardboiled eggs when you can have hard froozen ones?)
  
• Soda in the same bag as chips (Yeah, they go great together at parties, just not in bags)
  
• Canned food+body wash+raw meat+Twizzlers+same bag=weirdness
• 4 bottles of soda+2 bottles of juice+same bag=big hole in the bottom when I try to lift it
  

#9. No Offense... (Odd Phrases Part: 4)

I think this is a phrase that just about everyone hates, yet for some reason, everyone uses. It is a close relative to the "To be honest..." phrase, and applies in the same way. But first, let me run you through an example.

Natalie-"Hey Mike! Look at the new dress I bought! What do you think of it?"

Me-"Well Natalie, no offense, but it makes you look really fat."

Now obviously, I would never call a girl fat, since I probably wouldn't get a date until I'm out of college, but the word application still remains the same. I never understood why people say this phrase, since it doesn't provide any comfort what so ever. Which makes me wonder if anyone has responded like this.

Mark-"Hey Steve, what did you think of my pitching in last night's game?"

Steve-"Well, no offense, but it really sucked."

Mark-"Really? Well under normal circumstances I would be mad at you, but you said no offense, so now suddenly I realize you're only trying to help me and not insult me, thanks man, you're the best!"

Okay, yeah, I know, no one would ever say that. Why? Because people don't care if you say "no offense" if you're going to tell them something offensive. You're the only one benefiting since you're pretty much telling yourself "Sweet, I can tell this person off, but they can't get mad". Which once more makes me wonder if any conversation like this has ever happened:

Mark-"Hey Steve, what did you think of my pitching in last night's game?"

Steve-"Well, no offense, but it really sucked."

Mark-"Wow, that's really nice of you. You jerk you can't just-"

Steve-"Uh hey, watch what you're saying, I said no offense man, so just calm down."

Mark-"Oh right, I forgot, I'm sorry, continue criticizing me blatantly and without remorse."

And have you ever noticed that people always give you this weird look that just shouts "Wow, I'm so much better than you.", but hey, at least they said no offense.

So no offense all you guys out there that use this phrase, but to be honest, it just sucks, so stop using it.

#8. Chain Mail

So the other day, I check my email to find one with the happy title of "This is adorable!". I then proceed to open and read the email, which is filled with cute, Photoshopped (Yes, that is indeed a verb) pictures of various animals with buckets on their heads or their mouths wide open. Each one has a caption below it with some cute phrase like "Be thankful for what you have", or "You'll always have friends to pull you through". Then I get to the end, and what's this? I have to send this to 100 people in the next 5 minutes or I'll have bad luck for 7 years? So much for being adorable...

Needless to say, I have developed a low tolerance level for chain mails, and most of them get a nice spot reserved in my flaming trash barrel icon. But just in case you're a newbie with email, Internet, or computers in general, let me give you a quick run through of how to easily spot a chain letter.

It's All In the Name-
This is the first, and most important step in spotting a chain mail. First off, make sure to look at the title, and if you happen to see a little thing that says "FW:", delete it without hesitation, because it's a chain letter. If the title does not have the "Forward" tag in front of it, then you're job became slightly harder, but don't fear just yet. The next step is to look at the name itself. If the email has a title of like "OMG this is so cute!!!@!@!", "You HAVE to try this!!!", or "OMG i cnt believed this wrkd!", then you can be fairly confident that this is a chain letter. Another big giveaway that your email is a chain letter, is if the title is written in all capital letters like "OMG YOULL LOVE THIS!!@@#!@#!!".

This Email-
If you somehow got past the title and are still unsure if this is a chain letter, then we must move to the next clue, the body. Although many chain letters come with pictures (See below), this section is dedicated to focusing on the text and layout of the email. If the text in your email is in a large, colorful font, this it's definitely a chain letter (Seriously, who even colors their text?). Usually chain mail will have large, vibrant text that's in some strange font that's made to look cute and welcoming. This text is also almost always aligned in strange patterns. Typically these patterns make you simply scroll down the page for what seems like an eternity, coming across random words or characters like "Keep on going!", "Almost there!", or "<<<>>><>><><>". Another popular style is to put cute phrases or eye moistening events that I doubt ever actually happened.

The Pictures-
They say pictures tell a thousand words, but I've yet to see an impressive chain letter photo. This is by far the biggest giveaway when it comes to finding out if what you're looking at is a chain letter. Chain letters almost always consist of "cute" pictures of dogs, cats, or other animals doing "cute" things like falling off tables, smiling, laughing, wearing lampshades on their head, or kissing. But whoever makes these chain mails is obviously horrible at photoshopping pictures, since everyone knows that animals can't smile, or laugh, or kiss. And of course, since those cute photos would not be complete without a cute phrase below them, we see things like "You'll always have a friend in me" below the two cats that are "laughing" or "We all make mistakes sometimes" below the picture of dog that somehow threw a rock through a window.

The Warning-
Well, we've reached the last stage, this is your last chance to figure out if this is a chain letter or not and save your dignity. But don't worry, this part is easy to figure out. Most emails close with friendly messages like "Stay well", or "Your Love", or "Sincerely yours", but this couldn't be further from the truth when it comes to chain letters. Although chain letters often are made to make you laugh or reflect, the closing statements tend to be a bit cruel. Instead of simply saying "Yeah I know I annoyed you with the horrible photos, but thanks for reading anyway", we get the added bonus of a threat. These threats are always in the form of time verses emails sent, meaning that, the more "Y" people you pass this onto in "X" amount of the time, the better your life will be. Let me provide an example.

"Well now that you have heard the great message of friendship, make sure to pass this email on. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!!! If you send this to 0-5 people in the next 10 seconds, you'll have bad luck for 8503 years. If you send it to 6-10 people in the next 5 seconds, you'll only have bad luck for 1 year. If you send it to 11-20 people in the next 3 seconds, your crush will fall in love with you in 6 months. If you send in to 21-60 people in the next 2 seconds, your crush will kiss you in a week. If you send it to 198679000 in the next second, your crush will fall madly in love with you tonight!"

But my favorite example is this:

"Send this to 50+ people in the next 5 minutes, then press ALT+F4 and the name of your crush will appear on the screen! I'm serious! This works! It's so creepy!"

Well I guess I believe them, they did say they're serious after all...

Well I hope that I helped you in some way as to deciding whether or not your email belongs in the spam folder or if its readable material. But just remember, next time something goes wrong in your life, just say what I do; "Oh man, must have forgot to send that chain letter to 167 people last night before I went to bed..."

#7. Honestly...no, seriously (Odd Phrases Part: 3)

This phrase avoided my attention for a long time. Then at last someone pointed it out to me, and ever since I have found this to be not only one of the most annoying phrases, but also one of the strangest. As always, I will first use the phrase in a sentence so you can get a better idea of what I'm talking about.

Mark-"Hey Jimmy, Julie and I have become pretty close friends, I'm thinking of maybe asking her out, what do you think I should do?"

Jimmy-"Well, to be honest with you, I think Julie is a jerk."

I'm of course, talking about the "to be honest with you" phrase (I'm hoping you figured that out already from the bold text...). I think this is simply a phrase that everyone says, and well, to be honest, no one really notices it being used. But if you're like me and enjoy dissecting odd phrases that people say in your free time (Yes, I have much of it), this one makes very little sense. Whenever I hear this phrase, I'm very tempted to ask the person "Oh, so wait, all those other times I talked to you, you were lying to me?" I just simply do not understand the purpose of saying "to be honest", since all it does it make you look like you're a really big liar the rest of the time. But my theory is that it's used so that you can say something really bad, but the other person can't get mad at you since well, you're being honest, and who can get mad at honesty? It would be like tripping someone that's wearing one of those "Be kind to me, I donated blood today" buttons, it just seems unethical.

I find that honesty is a very good thing and that everyone should be honest all of the time (Unless it involves a girl, then you ALWAYS say she looks pretty, no matter what), but obviously everyone is not going to always be honest since it's always in us to lie in every way, shape and form. But honestly, just get rid of the phrase "to be honest", I don't need reassurance that you're being honest, if I thought you were going to lie, I wouldn't have come to you in the first place.

#6. Motivational Speakers

Now don't get me wrong, I think that everyone, at some point in their life needs a motivational speech given to them. However, what annoys me is when a school, or job (Well actually I don't know if jobs do this, I've never had one...) bring in a motivational speaker to talk to us as a whole group. If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing a motivational speaker, let me do a quick summary of what to expect. For the sake of ease, this example will be one for a high school motivational speaker, but I'm sure it can also apply in some way or form to any other environment.

What will happen first is that you will most likely get an announcement over the intercom that you will be having an assembly today, so you start to moan a little since you think it's probably something stupid like a class meeting for selling chocolate bars or spare tires to help raise money. But then you remind yourself that at least you're getting out of your earth science or Spanish II class and let out a brief sigh of relief. Then, as your walking to the gym, you begin to hear songs like u2's Beautiful Day playing loudly over the cheering students and you think to yourself "Hey! Maybe we're having a pep rally!" and a sudden burst of happiness fills your heart. But then you at last enter into the gym and notice that there is no dancing mascot, no basketball players shooting three's, only a large, middle aged man standing in the center with a big grin on his face as he's pointing to students in the crowd as he's trying to interact with them. All hope has at last left you as you realize this is no pep rally, it's in fact a motivational speaker.

Once everyone has sat down, the speaker will usually open up with a joke that isn't funny, or some life experience that isn't funny, such as "So on my way to (Insert town you're in) I drove past (Insert funny looking person) while he/she was (Insert strange activity)". Or if you live in a town like me all the jokes are usually about how difficult it is to get to the school since we live in a valley that has mountains, glaciers, and inbreeds surrounding it on all sides (One of those is made up). Once the speaker is done telling his joke he will usually introduce himself with things like where he's from (Don't care), what he does (Duh, you're a motivational speaker), and why he's here (Usually it involves motivating people). He will then proceed to go into his lecture of why people need to be great at what they like and succeed in life and go to college. He'll, of course, use "cool" words when he talks so that he can connect better with the students to make us think he's like one of us. He'll also probably throw random things into the bleachers, like water bottles or shoot t-shirts with one of those awesome cannons. He'll tell the students to shout phases at him like "I swear to be AWESOME!", yet only about half the student body will respond. He then acts like he was prepared for this by saying "I can't HEAR YOU!", at which point everyone feels bad so we just play along. Then he'll tell us what "I swear to be awesome." is in some foreign language like Spanish or Vietnamese so that we can leave feeling multicultural. This will go on for about an hour or two, when at last he'll recap everything he said, which is pretty much to stop being lazy, and will tell us to go out into the world and be the best that we can be.

Like I said before, I have no problem with motivational speakers when it comes to talking to people one on one, but if you have it as a whole group, it just makes people annoyed and wonder how much money it cost for you to hire this guy. So next time you're at a motivational speech, I dare everyone to refuse to respond when the person asks to shout something at him. I know it's hard to resist once he says "I can't HEAR YOU!"...but I really want to know what happens if still no one responds.